Leaving on a Jet plane..

That's it.

Dearest reader!

Come on in.

I’ve got a critical question to ask:

Do you remember those dreadful questionnaires (circa the 00s) that you’d receive from friends who were as excited to take the piss at work as you were, those questionnaires asked all kinds of silly questions as a ‘Get to know you’ type of thing. Who didn’t love wasting company time and pondering such thought-provoking and profound questions whilst copying and pasting to all your friends? I found one in my emails the other day and thought I’d take part - apologies but don’t say I don’t provide hardcore high-brow content, okay?

What time did you get up this morning?

My husband, Az, woke up at 5 am, I was restless so I woke up with him and we enjoyed a cup of tea in bed. Yorkshire Tea. No Sugar. Strong but not stewed. Oat milk (yep, a tosser).

Diamonds or pearls?

Pearls are pretty but diamonds are for me. My engagement ring is a black diamond INNIT BLUD. I am not J-Lo - it is small but perfect.

What was the last film you saw at the cinema?

I cannot believe I’m writing this but Deadpool the sequel/NOT that they differ etc. I do not like Marvel films (she says) Come on, they are so naff - harmless I suppose, my husband and I always end up rowing over them but this one was entertaining even if I did have to wear earplugs and take a pillow since they are 20hrs long.

What is your favourite TV show?

Succession, shortly followed by Californication with David Duchovny. Wait! What about Schitts Creek? Sex and the City? Waaaaaaa.

Favourite film?

Indecent Proposal - DEMI MOORE. OBVS. You may know I am obsessed with 90s Demi Moore. Dashing Robert Redford offers Demi a cool $1mil to bed her - not that $1mil would get you far these days. A 3-bed semi in Watford? Anyhoo - Demi is married to Woody Harleson. Demi of course takes the offer and it all becomes rather complicated. But love prevails. What a terrible first-world problem. Do I inspect the nethers of another, striking man for a few quid? I mean, poor Demi. The soundtrack, incidentally, is superb, especially the John Barry Orchestra piece.

What do you usually have for breakfast?

A cup of tea followed by toast with orange marmalade and Peanut butter/Marmite followed by 2 Coffee chasers. Then another tea. I’m fully caffeinated by 10am and peeing like a racehorse.

What is your middle name?

Elizabeth - after our Queen RIP. SOB. WAIL. STILL NOT OVER IT. LOVE YOU LIZZY. FOREVER AND EVER. AMEN.

What food do you dislike?

Oysters and Cucumber - the world would be better off without both of those. Slimy and perculiar things. I’m baffled why anyone would put these heinous items near their mouth let alone swallow them. The repeat on them! Lasts for days. Barf.

Favourite food?

Soho House Mac n Cheese. Defibrillator on stand by. Taxi!

Death Row Meal?

Soho House Mac n Cheese with their Cheeseburger for a superb artery-clogging chaser. Accompanied by Red Wine and a couple of Valium since I’ll be anxious and will need those edges softened. Fark it - come to think of it - I’d want to be off my tits.

What is your favourite CD at moment? (ah, this made me sad in these streaming times)

I’m playing the back catalogue of The Cure and old school Madonna. Pretty delish and awesome you’ll agree.

What kind of car do you drive?

I ain’t driving shit out here in America, certainly not in Charlotte! Dem drivers are lunatics. Lane hoppin’, red light running, mad feckers as the Irish would say. However, Az drives a Volkswagen Tiguan and she is beastly gorgeous. We’ve named her Tina.

Favourite sandwich?

Marks and Spencers’ Prawn Mayonaise. I’ve become my mum ‘You can’t beat Marks and Spencers’ and if I’ve bought an item of clothing ‘It’ll wash up well’ KILL ME (I love it secretly)

What characteristic do you despise?

Bad manners without a doubt. They cost nothing and I want to headbutt anyone rude to me or anyone else. I have never headbutted anyone BTW and it would hurt. That’s how strongly I feel.

Favourite item of clothing?

My Leopard print dressing gown. If there was a fire, I’d run in for it though likely it’ll be the culprit that caused the fire, highly flammable, 100% Polyester, and utterly fabulous. I’ll be cooking a fry-up breakfast in it in my 80s (life goals).

If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go?

A place on the Croatian coast or the Maldives - Read, swim and nap the day away followed by red wine and sunsets.

Favourite season?

Depends where I am. In the UK - Spring- the sheer hope that the sun brings and the impending ‘summer’. In Charlotte - Autumn -the humidity is loosening its face-melting grip and the leaves are dazzling.

Favourite restaurant?

Balthazar, Covent Garden, London. I once took my mum, we sat at the bar and despite not knowing what it was asked for a ‘Pornstar Martini’ then proudly announced to the barman ‘Look at me! I’m only from a small hometown’ I could have eaten her.

If you were a crayon, what colour would you be? (see I said they were profound questions)

Red

Religious beliefs?

I stand by two things:

- A cup of tea and a baked good.

- Italian food tastes better the day after. Other than that, you got me.

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Shamone!

Back to reality. I said it was dreadful. If you’ve kept reading, well done. And you have more patience than I do.

This week we went to a Basketball game - a quintessential American activity. Men taller than trees throwing balls into a basket, making it look effortless. Tickets were dirt cheap, for a sporting match. The security was akin to being at the airport, aside from strip-searching you (one can dream), all was the same. I was treated like a terrorist when they saw my Canvas tote bag “Ma'am, you cannot come in here with that”! Wielding their fingers like I’m in possession of a AK47. Still, somewhat reassuring that everyone who’s in attendance has been vetted and no maniacs are going to take anyone out. Suddenly I’m aware of why Americans possess clear plastic over-the-shoulder bags that you see at big events. I take a deep breath and go outside to hide my tote in a bush - stupidly I transferred my Pepper spray to my jeans pocket - naturally, they took it off me with a disapproving look. Oh, calm your farm love. After this, the only thing I needed to set me straight was two hot dogs and a beer the size of my head. We had great seats, a few rows from the front. It was all very earnest and family-friendly - I always compare watching sport in America to sport in the UK - us Brits - and I fully include myself in this are absolute hooligans. Bruts. Beasts! Wailing and carrying on as if we’re watching Russel Crowe versus a Lion in the Colosseum, it’s a sight not to mention the, ahem, colourful language. The Americans are so wholesome, the worst I heard when the other side scored was ‘Man, this sucks’. Can you imagine? Another word they use a lot is ‘Dang’ and ‘Golly’. This, I’m afraid, will never rub off on me.

The LUNGS on him! Outrageous.

Midway through the game, the Charlotte Fire Department intervened by playing the Bagpipes. Obviously. Not your average sound for a sporting match. Or have I been under a rock too long? I don’t know about you but I LOVE a Bagpipe. I once tried to blow one (steady) at a work event, and everyone was giving it a shot, can’t be hard I thought. Christ all mighty, I was throwing up my lungs and bright red and I still couldn’t get a whisper from the bastard thing. Leaving the stadium, I tracked down my tote by clambering into the bush (classy) without taking layers of skin - thankfully it was still there. She shoots, and she scores!

This week has been rather social, we’ve seen our new-ish friends A LOT. God love their 10-year younger souls. Deliciously needy “Where are you, come out! These kids can take it like champs. This is music to us Brits, our love language as it were. We feel like their parents sometimes, the energy on them. Two nights out in a row and I am done, all I need is 3 Hail Mary’s and an early night. At the time of writing this, it is Saturday and I’m off for wine tasting with other friends, I’ve never made friends so easily as I have out here (not counting my 20s) and it’s a testament, I think, to Americans, they are friendly and welcoming and I am so grateful for that in this chapter of my life. The work prospects might be shite, but at least I got good peeps who are sweet, genuine and caring and mildly obsessed with me and as the kids say, I am SO here for it.

Today I am flying home for 2 weeks - I’m at the airport as I write this, on my own, I’ve not travelled without Az for years, it feels strange, like a leg is missing but also reassuring to be reminded of my capabilities, even though I’m codependent, I am not a crumbling wreck. Many of you may know I’m going to spend time with my mum who has hurt her wrist. I can’t wait to, you know what I’m going to say don’t you? Sniff her neck! As the Aussies say ‘It’s the Amber Nectar, maaate’. We’ll drink tea together, she’ll ask me if I have any washing to do, a crossword clue she’s been stuck on, she might even ask me how my flight was, but let’s not go overboard. I’ll have to remind her to stop for air and breathe as she would have been going full pelt for hours. I just want to be there with her and for her so we can watch Heartbeat and The Bill for the 1000000^th time.

Soooo, I’ll be writing Postcards from the UK my lil love doves! Meanwhile, thank you for reading my musings and for being here. Do press the like button if you feel inclined, it helps my flailing work persona ego :)

Yours in adoration.

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