I’m sat on my couch, in my PJs, nursing what I thought was going to be a dreadful hangover judging by my banging head at 07:30, but an OJ, paracetamol and toast have cleared the dust somewhat. Last night we went out with Az’s work friend and wife, as we say in the UK ‘they like a drink’ and are into fine wines and hard liquor (this word gives me the ick) when in Rome... I started with what looked like a vase of red wine, then moved on to Tequila and Tonics (my new favourite drink). I think I had 3, but 3 was enough. As we got home, I had the confidence and swagger that only Usher’s “Nice and slow” song played loud would do - a ‘90s spew fest where he describes all the perverted things he’s going to do to his woman, such fun. I nearly fell over myself taking my leggings off, Az was telling me to go to bed, but I insisted on returning to my dodgy dance moves throwing my jumper off and taking out all the picture frames on the shelf and now, 9hrs later and with bed hair here I am. Winner!
Dearest reader, hewo and welcome. Well done. We made it through!
I hope Christmas was kind and whatever you did, it filled your cup. Ours was okay - but in all honestly, it was lonely and alienating. The day started with Az and I putting on Christmas music to kick things off, whilst the lights on the tree were in ‘having a fit’ mode and flashed violently. Totally inappropriate and who likes this setting? We exchanged gifts whilst sipping a Bucks Fizz or a mimosa if you’re feeling fancy or Australian. We’ve always loved giving presents and seeing one another’s reactions, Az got me a new iPad mini which got me weepy as he knew how much I wanted a new one in the new year, ugh, best husband EVER. I got him a new fancy wallet and a western-style denim shirt ooffft HELLO DREAMBOAT. I feel a cowboy role-play coming on.
We then communicated with all our friends, and varying family members and put on a Christmas film. It all felt a bit meaningless and empty with no one to share it with - of course, we have each other, but for me, Christmas is about noise, chaos, neighbours popping in, and kids running around, maybe it dates back to my own Christmasses growing up, shouting to be heard, glasses getting refilled, all that caper. We don’t have kids. Do we need to have a kid to fill this void I’m feeling? Is it just being away from our loved ones making me feel this way? MASSIVE QUESTIONS and angst. Damn you Christmas. Thankfully, our lovely local friend had invited us to spend the evening with her family - family! Mama B let’s call her was the exact figure I needed, warm and welcoming, a generous matronly bosom, and most importantly kind and sweet. I wanted to run into her and she stroked my hair and held me like my own mum (though I wouldn’t sniff her neck because that would be too much) We said a grace before dinner which surprisingly I liked, I’m not a religious person though one time the closest I got to God was on the dance floor watching a trance DJ play my favourite track) Anyhoo - I felt safe and nestled in Mama B’s nest, it was certainly a less raucous Christmas than you’d find in the UK - we shared one bottle of wine between 3 of us, and interestingly and controversially, there was no gravy on the table. This could be illegal somewhere.
Boxing day. We go for a walk around the city, it’s dead. There is no one in Charlotte, the paths usually packed with vein muscly runners are empty, the roads void of cars. It’s like lockdown all over again. I imagine all the pretty people that reside here with their tanned legs and glossy hair have returned home to a snowy perfect town, in their 12-bedroom house with their 4 poster bed, mum’s in the kitchen baking cookies, dad’s chopping wood, whilst all the siblings sit around nicely dressed in their beige slacks and polished shoes. Everyone is so excited to see one another, and Mum looks wistfully on at her perfect brood all returned home for the holidays. Oh, do one.
Meanwhile, when I got home I spent a good while trying to fill my own ‘glass half empty’ cup attempting to find a film that would satiate the hole in my soul. Why is it that when thinking of specific films you want to watch yet despite having every subscription to every single platform THEY NEVER HAVE IT? First world problem. We do watch Gavin and Stacey's Christmas special and it’s superb.
As you may know, I seem to watch a lot of films with Demi Moore - 90s Demi Moore - and as a treat, I watched Indecent Proposal - one of my all-time favourites. Question - how does Demi Moore cry so beautifully? Those big perfect droplets fall from her eyes as she blinks. This is not my experience of crying - I look like I’m hauling my intestines out with the final look of an elephant woman who's been in the boxing ring twist. It is animalistic and should never be in public let alone a film set.
I’m gearing up to start my new job next week and I’m excited - my New Years resolution - or mantra is ‘To be more American’ hear me out. In my experience, Americans are more, I don’t know, self-assured. Confident? They are generally upbeat, and whilst I can be devastatingly charming and adorable (LAUGH OUT LOUD) I am ridiculously hard on myself and doubt my abilities and what I can achieve. I’m going into the New Year believing in my value and worth. And now I’m going to spew, I hope you’ve kept your meal down too.
On another note, for some reason my posts from August onwards do not feature on my front page which is SO annoying - Substack and they’ve assured me that someone will come back to me.
For now, I gotta split. I’m learning to DJ again, and perhaps when I’m feeling really brave and (not chronically terrible), I’ll post a mix. But for now, I’ll leave you big fat smooches for being here—my own little fan club reading my words. Big it up, you lovely lot.
Here’s to us in 2025 - WTF - 2025! Here’s to me being more American, and you, what about you?
LOVE YOU.
